Regulate, Relate, Reason steps for calming your mind

How to Calm My Mind—and Pass It On 

/ Communication Skills / By

Collaborative Blog  

 

This week, I’m doing something a little different. I’ve invited Steve Burk, BSW, MACP, Registered Social Work Psychotherapist—a fellow therapist whose work focuses heavily on parents, children, and family dynamics—to explore an idea that shows up in both of our practices. We wrote this post together.  

 

Here’s a pattern we see repeatedly: an escalated mind can’t be reasoned with. It needs to be calmed first. Before we communicate, we need to check whether we’re calm—and then consider whether the other person is calm too.  

 

Steve sees this between parents and children. Rick sees it between partners.  

 

Have you ever tried explaining to a three-year-old, mid-tantrum, why they can’t have the ice cream they want? Have you tried telling your partner to “calm down” when they’re already getting angry? Have you tried making a big decision while feeling triggered, hurt, or scared?  

 

When emotions run high, logic and reason become harder to reach. We’ve seen this in clients beginning at age three, with no apparent upper limit. None of us is exempt. We can all be hijacked by our emotions.  

 

Quick Answer: When your mind is escalated, begin by regulating yourself through breathing, movement, prayer, or another calming activity. Next, relate by restoring connection and emotional safety. Only then return to reasoning and problem-solving. Regulate first, relate second, and reason last.

If you’d rather watch than read, here’s the video version of this article:

Calm Is Contagious 

That’s the starting point for anyone who wants to become a more supportive partner or parent: learning to notice when you’re becoming escalated.  

 

Escalation spreads. When we’re dysregulated, we’re more likely to escalate the people around us. But the reverse is also true: calm is contagious. When we’re grounded, we have a much better chance of helping the people around us find their calm.  

 

That’s what this blog is about: how to calm your own mind and then, from that calmer place, pass it on to the people you love. The structure that follows is based on psychiatrist and author Dr. Bruce Perry’s Regulate, Relate, Reason sequence.  

 

1. Regulate: Start With Yourself 

Triggers are experiences that quickly put us into self-protection mode. They’re the people, places, and situations that seem to take us from 1 to 100.  

 

Triggers are often connected to something further back—a traumatic experience, a difficult past relationship, or something from childhood. For instance, if you grew up in a home where you felt unheard or your parents rarely acknowledged you, a child or partner who doesn’t readily respond to you may activate that earlier pain.  

 

The first step toward becoming regulated is noticing that you’re not regulated.  

 

Look for your own cues. Ask yourself:  

 

  • What am I thinking?  
  • What am I feeling?  
  • What is my body doing?  
  • How am I behaving?  

 

If I catch myself thinking, “You can’t talk to me that way,” while my chest tightens and my jaw clenches, I’m probably becoming overwhelmed. Noticing those signals is step one.  

 

Once you recognize that you’re not regulated, it’s time to use a calming tool. Different tools work for different people, but several show up regularly in our work with clients:  

 

  • Box Breathing or breathing at a pace of approximately six breaths per minute  
  • Progressive Muscle Relaxation  
  • Listening to music  
  • Walking  
  • Prayer  
  • Completing a familiar, undemanding task such as folding laundry or grocery shopping  

 

The goal isn’t to ignore what happened or avoid the conversation. It’s to help your mind and body leave self-protection mode so that you can return to the situation more safely.  

 

Once you’re calm, you can pass calm on.  

 

2. Relate: Create Safety Through Connection and PACE 

Don’t jump straight back into the difficult conversation. Lean into the relationship first.  

 

Offer affection, encouraging words, or a genuine compliment. Talk about something else the two of you enjoy. Remind each other of a good shared memory.  

 

It’s okay to play with toys together for a while before circling back to what happened. It’s okay to get ice cream or hot chocolate before restarting the conversation. Your priority right now isn’t the topic—it’s safety.  

 

Do something that reminds the other person that you’re still in their corner, regardless of the tension.  

 

One helpful approach to this Relate stage is PACE. Developed by clinical psychologist Dan Hughes, PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. It helps us move from self-regulation into the relational space between two people.  

 

Our presence—the experience the other person has of us—matters. When you show up affectionately and gently, you pass calm on.  

 

Playfulness 

Doing enjoyable things together builds bonds outside moments of correction or conflict. Those bonds become stronger and more familiar, which can make future moments of distress, defiance, or disagreement easier to navigate.  

 

The same principle applies to couples. Knowing what makes your partner laugh and what helps them enjoy life builds positive regard. When that positive regard is present, disagreements are less likely to define the entire relationship.  

 

Acceptance 

Everyone has different abilities and capacities. A child is capable of some things, but not everything. The same is true of a partner—and of ourselves.  

 

Acceptance doesn’t mean approving every behaviour or abandoning healthy expectations. It means recognizing the person’s actual capacity in that moment.  

 

We contribute to another person’s calm by setting the tone and helping create a relationship culture that supports the behaviour we hope to see.  

 

Curiosity 

Commands and demands can easily invite defensiveness or resistance—between partners and between parents and children. Curiosity creates a different kind of opening.  

 

Instead of immediately demanding, correcting, or telling, ask questions and remain interested in what the other person is experiencing.  

 

With a child, that might sound like:  

“It looks like you’re frustrated. I’d be frustrated too if I had to leave what I was doing and come for dinner. Let’s take a moment and sit together.”  

 

Curiosity communicates that understanding the person matters, even when a limit still needs to be set or a problem still needs to be addressed.  

 

Empathy 

Empathy means trying to see the moment from the other person’s perspective. What might they be experiencing? What are they feeling? What are they thinking? How might they be processing what’s happening?  

 

Reflecting what you notice and checking whether you’ve understood correctly helps the other person feel less alone and more supported. It might sound like: 

“It seems like you might be frustrated because you can’t finish the task before we move on. That would frustrate me too. I’m here. Let me know when you’re ready to keep going.” 

 

Communicating understanding—and reassuring the person that you’re staying with them—can be a powerful combination.  

 

PACE can help in two ways. When it becomes part of how you regularly show up, it builds a positive and supportive relationship culture that can make moments of escalation less intense. When you draw on it after regulating yourself, it can also help the other person begin to settle.  

 

Once you’re both calm enough to think and listen, you can return to the original conversation.  

 

3. Reason: Bring Your Calmer Brain Back Into the Conversation 

Gottman’s research offers a helpful principle here: conversations tend to end in the same emotional tone in which they began.  

 

If a conversation begins with intense emotion, accusation, and shouting, it is likely to end with that same intensity. If it begins with warmth and gentleness, it has a much better chance of ending that way too.  

 

As we move into the Reason stage, two communication skills are especially helpful: Gentle Startups and Gentle Listening.  

 

When your communication begins calmly, you pass calm on.  

 

Gentle Startups 

A Gentle Startup is a three-part structure for raising a concern in a way that helps the other person recognize that you’re trying to keep the conversation safe while still communicating honestly.  

 

The structure is:  

 

  • “I feel…”  
  • “Because…”  
  • “I need…”  

 

Between partners, it might sound like:  

 

“I feel really lonely because I’ve been home alone most evenings this week after work. I need us to find a way to spend more time together.”  

 

With a child, it might sound like:  

 

“I feel nervous about you going outside right now because summer is over and it has gotten cold. I need us to make a plan that will keep you warm while you’re out there.”  

 

The concern remains clear, but it is presented without blame, accusation, or attack. Be careful, however, not to turn an “I” statement into a disguised accusation. A sentence such as “I feel that you never listen to me” still places the other person on the defensive. Keep the focus on your feelings, your experience, and what you need.  

 

Gentle Listening 

Gentle Listening also uses a three-part structure. It encourages engagement without rushing to solve the problem or leaving the speaker feeling that you’re becoming defensive.  

 

One of the fastest ways to close a conversation is to respond to someone’s words immediately with your own explanation, defence, or solution. Honouring what the other person has said—and taking time to process it before adding your response—helps keep the conversation open.  

 

The three parts of Gentle Listening are:  

 

  • Summarize  
  • Validate  
  • Empathize  

 

Summarizing means restating what the other person has said in fewer words. You aren’t interpreting or problem-solving. You’re reflecting the message back to check whether you understood it.  

 

Validating means stepping into the speaker’s experience and identifying why their thoughts, feelings, or reactions make sense from where they are standing—even when you see the situation differently.  

 

Empathizing means reflecting the emotion you hear or see and checking whether you’ve understood it accurately.  

 

Reasoning together requires more than clear thinking. It also requires calm, structured communication to pass calm on.  

 

You can learn more about Gentle Startups and Gentle Listening here: [LINK]  

 

Calm Yourself—and Pass It On 

Regulate by checking in with yourself before continuing. When you begin from a calmer place, you reduce the chance of further escalating the interaction.

  

Relate by restoring connection and reminding the other person that you’re still in their corner. Playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy can help create the safety both of you need.  

 

Reason only when you’re both calm enough to think, listen, and communicate well. Gentle Startups and Gentle Listening can help you return to the difficult topic without immediately returning to the conflict.  

 

Steve sees this process help parents and children. Rick sees it help couples. The relationships are different, but the principle remains remarkably consistent: calm really is contagious. When you find it for yourself, you’re better able to pass it on.  

 

This week, notice just one moment when you begin to escalate. Before explaining, correcting, defending, or solving, regulate first.  

 

Then see what happens next. 

 

Ready to Connect?

If you’re looking for online couples therapy anywhere in Ontario, I’d be honoured to help. You can book a free consultation through my client portal, or you can text or email me to learn more about my approach and whether we’re a good fit to work together.

Looking for support with parenting and family dynamics? Steve Burk, Social Work Psychotherapist — Family Therapist online and in person, North Bay, Ontario. Contact Steve @ https://arukahcounselling.ca/contact