Couple decision making under stress

Couple Decision-Making Under Stress: 5 Ideas That Help Create Clarity and Connection

/ Couples Therapy / By

When Couples Have a Big Decision to Make

Sometimes, couples see me because they need help making a big decision. They’ve experienced a significant event, they’re facing a crisis together, or they’re planning a major lifestyle change. Their relationship may actually be doing quite well. They’re simply having trouble making an important decision together.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me, personally. My wife and I have four kids and all the complications that come with raising a family while also navigating careers, moving, heartbreaks, and a crisis or two. This is familiar territory.

 

I have some insight that comes from both my clinical experience and my personal experience making big and emotionally heavy decisions with my wife.

 

I’ve found that in both my practice and my marriage, when couples feel pressure around making decisions, the emotional and cognitive load can make it difficult to maintain both clarity and connection.

Quick Answer: Couple decision making can become harder under stress because fear and urgency can narrow our thinking. Slowing down, organizing your options, exploring likely outcomes, protecting your connection, and calming together can create more room for clarity.

If you’d rather watch than read, here’s the video version of this article:

Stress Can Make a Couple’s Decision-Making Harder

When anyone is faced with a choice that carries a lot of emotion and requires complicated thinking, sometimes we lose access to the best decision-making parts of ourselves. The parts of the brain that manage fear and anger can become more active, and our thinking begins to focus on protection.

 

When we’re in Protection Mode, self-protection can become so important that we lose sight of the relationship. Just when we could really use our brains for deep thinking, self-regulation, looking into the future, and discerning our values, those abilities can become harder to access.

 

Protection Mode can narrow our ability to see our options while also making it harder to stay connected with each other.

 

Stress Doesn’t Have to Have Such a Big Impact

The experience of urgency and stress around big and time-sensitive decisions is real. Still, couples can create some space around the decision so that the pressure doesn’t overwhelm their usual good discernment or their connection with each other.

 

As both a psychotherapist and a husband, I’ve noticed a few ideas that can help. I’ve listed five of them below. They can reduce some of the experience of urgency and pressure while giving couples more room to think clearly together.

 

5 Ideas for Making Big Decisions Together

1. No Sudden Movements

The phrase “No Sudden Movements” is something my wife and I came up with. Early in our relationship, while we were feeling the challenges of tight budgets, busy schedules, and the exhaustion of having children, we noticed that we had to slow the pace. When we made choices too quickly, we often needed to revisit those choices and try again.

 

Before making a big decision, sometimes it helps to choose to do nothing. The choice to do nothing, at least for a moment, gives the discerning parts of your brain some time to come back online.

 

Other people might say, “Let the dust settle,” “Let it breathe,” or “Let it cook.” Whatever phrase works for you, make the choice to slow your reaction. Give yourself permission not to decide too quickly. Take a step back, observe what’s happening, and allow some of the emotions to calm and the thoughts to quiet.

 

Slow the reaction. Choose not to choose right away.

 

2. Use a Decision Matrix

In my experience, clients have sometimes appreciated creating a decision matrix during sessions. It’s a great way to externalize thoughts. When couples take the time to put their options on paper and see the weight of their choices in front of them, they often gain some clarity.

 

I especially like this tool for couples because it can change where the problem seems to be located. Instead of experiencing the decision as something sitting between them, they can put it on the table in front of them and look at it together.

 

A decision matrix, sometimes called a Decisional Balance Sheet, is a simple way of organizing the trade-offs involved in a decision. One version uses a two-by-two grid to explore what might happen if you say yes, what might happen if you say no, and the potential benefits and costs of each choice.

 

Putting those thoughts on paper can reveal practical consequences, emotional concerns, values, hopes, and fears that can be difficult to sort through when they’re all competing for space in your head.

 

Organize the options. Seeing your thoughts in front of you can help create clarity.

Decision-making worksheet comparing the benefits and costs of choosing yes or choosing no

3. Explore Worst → Best → Most Likely

I find it really helpful when couples give each other space to share their fears. Fear can be contagious. It has a way of narrowing what we can see while also creating tension in the relationship.

 

Worst → Best → Most Likely is a technique related to what CBT calls decatastrophizing. I use it to help couples give some structure to the predictions and fears surrounding a decision.

 

Start by talking about the worst reasonable outcome you can imagine. Give each other room to say the scary thing out loud. Then explore the best reasonable outcome. What would you love to see happen? Finally, consider what you genuinely believe is most likely to happen.

 

Sharing the worst-case scenario can bring hidden fears into the conversation where both people can understand them. Exploring the best outcome makes room for hope and possibility. Considering the most likely outcome can then help couples return to a more grounded view of what they’re actually facing.

 

Address the fear contagion. Give fear a voice without allowing it to control the decision.

 

4. Go Play Together

I find that it’s really easy to forget how to have fun in the middle of a crisis. Couples can talk about the crisis quite easily, sometimes for hours, while having trouble remembering what they enjoy doing together.

 

Having fun together can provide some relief from the emotional intensity and give the couple an opportunity to enjoy their connection even while the decision remains unresolved.

 

And I get it: playing and having fun don’t always match the context. Sometimes going for a walk together or having a mini-date at a coffee shop is enough. Find something that gives both of you a little room to step outside the decision and experience each other again.

 

Protect the connection. Remind each other that you’re together in this and that there is a relationship on the other side of the decision.

 

5. Use Couple Grounding or Couple Distraction

In the first few sessions of couples therapy, there’s usually some focus on learning how to ground. Couples need ways to manage escalation so that they can communicate more effectively. Grounding can also be something couples practise together.

 

One grounding technique I share with couples is called Six Breaths per Minute. Partners hold hands and slowly breathe together, inhaling for about five seconds and exhaling for about five seconds.

 

This style of slow breathing is often called Coherent Breathing or Resonance Frequency Breathing. Slow breathing can help regulate the nervous system, while the presence and touch of a trusted partner can support co-regulation.

 

I like the relational aspect of this exercise. Each person doesn’t have to disappear into a separate corner and try to become calm alone. The couple gets to practise becoming calmer together.

 

Calm the nervous system. Help each other stay regulated and connected.

 

Making Big Decisions Can Build Relationship Connection

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We learned the phrase “No Sudden Movements” in our first few years together as we felt the growing pressures of starting out. As we’ve experienced the complexity of having four kids, pursuing careers, managing finances, and living through some of our own crisis moments, this phrase has served us well.

 

Big decisions place a lot of pressure on couples. Slowing things down makes more room to think, regulate, explore your options, and remain connected with the person making the decision alongside you.

 

You’re in it together, and you want to come out of it together.

 

If you find yourself wanting to explore some of these ideas, or you’d like help keeping both clarity and connection while making a big decision, you can reach out and book a free consultation to get started.

 

Ready to Connect?

If you’re looking for online couples therapy anywhere in Ontario, I’d be honoured to help. You can book a free consultation through my client portal, or you can text or email me to learn more about my approach and whether we’re a good fit to work together.

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