The Four Horsemen in Relationships: The Emotions Beneath Poor Communication

 

What Are the Four Horsemen of a Relationship?

The Four Horsemen is an idea that comes out of research by the Gottman Institute. They describe four communication patterns that can increase conflict and erode connection in relationships: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.

 

Criticism attacks character rather than addressing a specific problem. Defensiveness protects against a perceived attack, often through explaining, excusing, or returning blame. Stonewalling happens when someone emotionally withdraws from an interaction by becoming silent, walking away, or ending the conversation. Contempt communicates disrespect or superiority through things like sarcasm, mocking, insults, or disgust.

 

I pay attention to these four communication styles when I see them in couples sessions. However, identifying them is only part of the work. When couples begin to recognize the painful emotions underneath the communication and understand the intent of those emotions, they can begin to see a way out of the cycle and a way back toward connection.

 

The Emotions Beneath the Four Horsemen

The Four Horsemen tend to be fairly easy to spot. They’re loud, and the behaviours can be obvious. They can look like two people pushing each other away. But underneath them, I often find people who still want to reach each other and are having trouble communicating the emotions underneath.

 

Criticism — “I Feel Alone”

Criticism tends to be experienced as blame and judgment. It doesn’t work very well as a strategy for creating connection. However, underneath the criticism, I often find a heart that is sad and lonely.

 

The heart of the person using criticism may be thinking, “I wish I was closer to you in this area. I feel so disconnected. I’ve tried to reach you and get your attention, but I haven’t been able to. I really just want more of you. I feel alone, and I miss you.”

 

Unfortunately, the emotional volume has been dialled up too loudly for the vulnerability of sadness and loneliness to be heard by the other person. The message underneath may be about wanting connection, but the emotional volume is loud enough that it hurts the person hearing it.

 

Defensiveness — “I Need You to See My Worth”

Defensiveness can be harder for the person using it to recognize. They may experience themselves as explaining, correcting, problem-solving, or trying to prove their innocence. From the inside, that doesn’t necessarily feel defensive.

 

Underneath defensiveness, I often find a heart that is afraid. It may be thinking, “I’m afraid that you see no value or worth in me. I’m afraid that you don’t see what I’m doing in this relationship as meaningful. I’m afraid that you see me as worthless, and I’m trying to hold onto the relationship long enough for you to change your mind about me and see that I’m actually sacrificing for you and trying to honour and support you.”

 

When someone already feels afraid that they’re being seen as the problem, taking responsibility can feel particularly threatening. Owning a mistake may feel less like acknowledging one behaviour and more like confirming the thing they already fear: Maybe I really am the problem.

 

Unfortunately, that fear can make it difficult to hear what their partner is trying to say. Once again, the emotional volume becomes so loud that the person hearing the defensiveness experiences the protection rather than the vulnerable heart underneath it.

 

Stonewalling — “I Need To Protect”

Stonewalling tends to be the outcome of communication that has gone too wrong for too long. It can begin as an attempt to end the cycle of criticism and defensiveness. Eventually, it can scale up until a couple generally can’t talk about much more than superficial things like schedules and grocery shopping.

 

Underneath the stonewalling, I sometimes find a heart that’s saying, “If we continue talking, I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you, and I don’t want to. I’m afraid you’re going to hurt me, and I don’t think you want to. We’re going to hurt the relationship, and I don’t think either of us wants that. So, the best solution I can see for us to stop hurting each other and save the relationship is to stop talking.”

 

The heart underneath stonewalling can be protective. Unfortunately, it’s not going to be experienced as protective. Silence or abruptly leaving can feel like rejection to the other person, even when the person withdrawing is trying to prevent things from getting worse.

 

Contempt — “I’ve Stopped Believing This Will Get Better”

Contempt, frankly, is the worst of the Four Horsemen. It’s hard not to be hurt by it. It can sound like sarcasm, mocking, insults, superiority, or disgust.

 

Underneath contempt, I sometimes find a heart that has run out of hope. It may be thinking, “I can’t allow myself to hope that you’ll change anymore. I can’t believe in us anymore. I really wish I could hope and believe, and I really wish you could reach me and change my mind.”

 

The heart underneath contempt can be experiencing despair and hopelessness. Unfortunately, the emotional volume is turned up so loudly that the despair underneath it becomes difficult to see.

 

When we’re experiencing pain from someone, we’re less likely to notice the pain they’re experiencing. We’re much more likely to protect ourselves and create distance.

 

Why Understanding the Emotion Matters

Here’s why this matters. The presence of the Four Horsemen doesn’t mean that a relationship is finished. Underneath these painful communication patterns, I often find emotions that tell me the couple is still trying to connect. Understanding those emotions can become a beacon of hope.

 

Where there is criticism, there may be loneliness and a desire for more of the other person. It’s being communicated in a way that makes connection difficult.

 

Where there is defensiveness, there may be fear and a desire to be seen as valuable and worthy. The effort to protect that sense of worth can make it difficult to listen or take responsibility.

 

Where there is stonewalling, there may be overwhelm and a protective desire to stop both people from causing more pain. Unfortunately, that protection can be experienced as abandonment or rejection.

 

Where there is contempt, there may be despair and a desire for renewed hope through meaningful change in the relationship’s culture.

 

The Four Horsemen Need the Four Antidotes

Understanding the emotions underneath the Four Horsemen doesn’t mean couples should simply accept the way those emotions are being communicated. The emotions need a better way to reach the other person.

 

Fortunately, the Gottman Method offers antidotes that help couples begin doing exactly that.

 

Criticism → Gentle Startup

The antidote to criticism is a Gentle Startup. Rather than increasing the emotional volume through blame or judgment, a Gentle Startup helps someone communicate vulnerably about what they’re feeling and what they need.

 

You can read more about using Gentle Startups here.

 

Defensiveness → Gentle Listening

The antidote to defensiveness involves taking responsibility and listening for understanding. In my work, I often teach this through what I call Gentle Listening: a simple structure that helps someone remain available and receptive while their partner is speaking.

 

You can read more about Gentle Listening here.

 

Stonewalling → Name It, Calm It, Continue

The antidote to stonewalling is a process I summarize as Name It, Calm It, Continue: acknowledge the escalation together, agree to pause, agree on a time when you’ll return, use the break to self-soothe or distract, and then come back to the conversation using calmer communication tools.

 

You can read more about this process here.

 

Contempt → Change the Relationship Culture

Contempt needs more than a better sentence. Couples need to begin changing the culture of the relationship by rebuilding fondness, appreciation, respect, and the willingness to be influenced by each other.

 

You can read more about responding to contempt here.

 

Looking Beneath Poor Communication

The Four Horsemen are loud communication strategies that end up disconnecting couples. The emotional volume gets dialed up so loudly that the communication causes pain, and the vulnerable message underneath becomes difficult to hear.

 

There are better ways to communicate. Those options help couples identify the emotions underneath their reactions and communicate them in ways that are more vulnerable and easier for the other person to receive. The antidotes to the Four Horsemen create the possibility of deeper connection.

 

And there’s great news: you don’t have to stay stuck in a repeating pattern. If you can see your relationship somewhere in this article, recognizing the pattern is already a beginning step toward connecting again.

 

Ready to Connect?

If you’re looking for online couples therapy anywhere in Ontario, I’d be honoured to help. You can book a free consultation through my client portal, or you can text or email me to learn more about my approach and whether we’re a good fit to work together.