How to Make Decisions Together as a Couple: A 5-Step Process

Step 1 and Tool 1: Communicate for Understanding

Within the first few sessions of couples therapy, there tends to be an organic focus on improving the style of communication. Every couple experiences conflict, so learning how to manage it is an essential part of growing together.

 

During those early sessions, we often explore three ideas: Gentle Startups, Gentle Listening, and Repair Attempts. They work together to help couples communicate in a way that increases their understanding of each other. Before resolving conflict, making decisions, or reaching a compromise, each person needs to understand what the other thinks, feels, needs, and values.

 

Gentle Startups provide a simple, three-sentence way to begin difficult conversations. Finishing the sentences “I feel…” “Because…” and “I need…” can help people speak in a way that makes it easier for their partner to listen without becoming defensive.

 

Gentle Listening provides three themes for processing what the other person is saying: Summarize, Validate, Empathize. These help partners draw out more information and emotion while staying curious rather than explaining, defending, or problem-solving too quickly.

 

Repair Attempts provide a three-part safety valve when a conversation begins to escalate: Name it, Calm it, Restart it. Even good communicators get frustrated, sad, scared, or angry. Repair Attempts help keep the emotional and cognitive load manageable so couples can continue thinking and communicating well.

 

To learn more about these three skills, you can read about them here: [LINK]

 

To learn more about making decisions under stress, you can read about it here: [LINK]

 

I find that couples often overlook this part of decision-making. Before making a decision together, they need to understand the choices in front of them and what each person thinks and feels about those choices.

 

Communicating for understanding gives couples the foundation they need to compromise well.

 

Step 2 and Tool 2: The Art of Compromise

I really like the title the Gottman Institute has given this tool. Compromise tends to feel more like an art than a science. Done well, it can increase a couple’s sense of connection and emotional intimacy.

 

Gottman’s Art of Compromise takes a “yield to win” approach. The best compromises can emerge when both people show up wanting to serve each other. Showing solid support for what matters to your partner can increase the experience of trust and safety.

 

I teach this as a four-part process that’s fairly easy to remember: Declare Inflexibilities, Discover Flexibilities, Ask the Questions, Create a Statement.

 

Declaring the inflexibilities can only happen after a couple has communicated well enough to understand each other. After a good conversation, each person should have a clearer understanding of what the other holds and values.

 

Those core values need to be protected throughout the process. I sometimes describe this as becoming the superhero of each other’s values. When you learn what matters deeply to your partner, help make sure it’s protected rather than challenged.

 

Discovering the flexibilities happens through conversation and open questions. This may be one of the more uncomfortable parts of a healthy compromise. Even when a value itself isn’t negotiable, there’s often flexibility in how that value is expressed or protected.

 

Asking the questions found within the Gottman Art of Compromise resource helps couples explore those areas of flexibility. Questions such as “What do we agree about?” and “What are our common goals?” can help couples find the wiggle room they’re looking for.

 

Finally, create a statement that describes the compromise you’ve reached. For now, consider that statement a tentative decision.

 

Step 3: Experiment With the Decision

I find that decisions are rarely final. Couples know that life changes, circumstances change, and decisions sometimes need to be revisited. People also rarely arrive at the perfect decision the first time through the process.

 

So, agree to experiment before committing too quickly.

 

Try the new budget for a month. Change the household responsibilities for a couple of weeks. Try changing which parent drives the kids to school and picks them up for a week.

 

If you’re considering moving, perhaps spend some time in the new community. Rent a room there for a week if that’s practical, or finish your workday by going to the neighbourhood and experiencing what everyday life there might feel like.

 

If you can’t experiment with the decision in the real world, try making some journal entries as though you’re reflecting at the end of the first day after implementing the decision. Or, send each other texts pretending you’re already living on the other side of the decision. What are you noticing? What are you feeling? What seems better? What concerns are still there?

 

As best you can, take a moment to try on the decision.

 

Giving yourselves an opportunity to experiment can reduce some of the pressure around getting the decision exactly right the first time. It also gives you something valuable: information.

 

Step 4 and Tool 3: The Three-Question Discerning Discussion

A good experiment ends with a good assessment.

 

Here’s a tool I give to couples to help them gain discernment. It can be used as a journal entry or as the structure for a conversation.

 

Ask and answer three simple questions:

 

What went badly?
What went well?
What’s one thing we could change to make it 1% better?

 

These questions help couples process their thoughts so that the decision remains in front of them rather than becoming tension between them. It gives them a structured way to process the experiment together.

 

Asking “What went badly?” is important. Fear is contagious. When the underlying emotion in a conversation is fear, it can shape the discussion in ways the couple didn’t intend. Giving the fear a place in the conversation allows couples to face it together, creating an opportunity for support, teamwork, and safety.

 

Asking “What went well?” helps the couple stay connected to what worked in the experiment. It broadens their attention beyond the problems, keeps the context clear, and gives them an opportunity to continue dreaming together about the outcome they’re trying to create.

 

Finally, asking “What’s one thing we could change to make it 1% better?” brings the couple back to working as partners. It’s another opportunity to serve each other and act as the superhero of each other’s values.

 

Throughout this discussion, the couple returns to the first tool: Communicate for Understanding.

 

Step 5: Revise or Commit

After the discerning discussion, couples are ready to make their next move.

 

They can follow what they learned about making the decision 1% better, revise their original compromise, and set up another experiment. Or, if they’ve learned enough and the compromise is working well, they can choose to commit.

 

It’s okay to revise the statement created through the Art of Compromise and try again.

 

Throughout the process, continue showing up for each other and protecting the values and needs that matter most to each of you.