Introduction
One of the most common questions I hear during the early sessions of couples therapy sounds something like this:
“I know I’m supposed to listen… but what am I actually supposed to do?”
Usually, that question is followed by examples of what the person thinks listening looks like.
They’ll say things like:
“That’s when I suggested we go look at it together and figure out the problem.”
Or,
“Let’s calm down and take this one step at a time.”
Or,
“Tell me exactly when you noticed the problem and why it bothered you so much.”
This is usually the moment I gently interrupt.
Those aren’t listening statements.
They’re problem-solving statements.
So that leaves the listener confused and asking,
“Okay… if that’s not listening, then what am I actually supposed to do?“
Here’s the thing. Most people don’t interrupt because they don’t care. They interrupt because they’re trying to help. They’re trying to solve the problem, defend themselves, or reduce their partner’s pain.
Ironically, those good intentions often interrupt the very communication they’re trying to improve.
So I’d like to give you a practical tool you can place into your Recreational Listening Box—something that helps you stay in the listener’s role a little longer and keeps the conversation moving instead of accidentally bringing it to a stop.
Quick Answer: Listening for understanding means resisting the urge to immediately solve the problem and instead helping your partner feel heard. Based on Gottman-Rapoport, a simple four-step process—summarize, validate, empathize, and wait—can help you stay in the listener’s role, create emotional safety, and build stronger conversations.
If you’d rather watch than read, here’s the video version of this article:
The Awkward Stage of Learning to Listen
Before I get into the tool itself, I’d like to normalize something.
Learning a new listening skill feels awkward.
In fact, I usually warn my clients that it’s probably going to make their conversations feel clunky for a little while.
The tool I’m about to show you is somewhat scripted.
Honestly… it’s supposed to be.
It’s an outline designed to keep you in the listener’s role. Those of us who naturally jump into problem-solving —and yes, I absolutely include myself in that group— often benefit from having a simple paint-by-numbers guide at the beginning.
The goal isn’t to sound like a therapist.
The goal is to slow yourself down long enough to truly understand your partner.
As you practise, you’ll begin to notice the theory underneath the structure. You’ll see how your partner responds differently, how conversations begin taking a different shape, and eventually you’ll stop thinking about the outline altogether.
You’ll find your own voice.
So please give yourself some grace.
This is a new skill.
Awkward comes before automatic.
Why We Jump to Problem-Solving
One more thing before we get to the listening tool.
Maybe this section is really for people like me.
I’m a classic problem solver. I had to learn this too.
Most listeners genuinely believe helping means fixing.
In many ways, problem-solving is a love language.
If someone you care about is hurting, your instinct is often to reduce their pain. Offering ideas, finding solutions, and trying to make things better can be a beautiful expression of love.
The challenge is that the speaker often isn’t asking for a solution.
They’re asking to feel understood.
They’re asking for connection.
Problem-solving interrupts the very moment where emotional connection is the solution.
The good news is that you don’t have to stop being a problem solver.
You simply need a different tool first.
Listening for Understanding — A Step-by-Step Guide
In my practice, I teach couples a communication exercise that comes from Anatol Rapoport’s work and was later incorporated into the Gottman Method. The Gottmans refer to it as Rapoport’s Rule, and what I’d like to focus on here is the listening half of that exercise.
I believe it’s one of the most valuable communication skills a couple can learn because it teaches us how to understand before we respond.
During sessions, I’ll often ask one partner to share something they find difficult to talk about. Then I’ll model the listening process myself before inviting the couple to practise it together. That becomes part of their homework between sessions.
Here’s the listening tool.
Step 1 — Summarize
When your partner finishes speaking and it feels like it’s your turn to respond, begin by summarizing what you heard.
Notice I didn’t say interpret.
I said summarize.
Become a parrot.
Not an interpreter.
Simply reflect back what you heard, using fewer words.
I’ve found that one of the most calming experiences a speaker can have is hearing someone accurately repeat back what they just said. It settles the nervous system. It communicates, “I’m with you. I’m trying to understand.”
After you’ve summarized, ask one simple question:
“Did I get that right?”
Then stay there longer than you think you need to.
Don’t rush toward your own thoughts.
Give your partner room to clarify, expand, or correct you. Then summarize again.
I’ve found that this step alone often brings calm into the conversation and helps the speaker feel emotionally safe.
Step 2 — Validate
Once your partner confirms you’ve understood them, your next step is validation.
A simple place to begin is:
“That makes sense because…”
Okay… just pause for a moment and hear me out.
I don’t mean you should explain why it makes sense to you.
That would shift the focus back onto your own thinking.
Instead, step into your partner’s world.
Tell them why what they did, thought, or felt makes sense from their perspective.
Validation isn’t agreement.
It isn’t approval.
It isn’t permission.
It’s communicating that you understand the logic behind their experience.
Keep it brief.
One or two sentences are usually enough.
The goal is simply to let your partner know,
“I understand how you got there.”
That helps people feel safe enough to keep talking.
Step 3 — Empathize
If validation speaks to the head, empathy speaks to the heart.
Now you’re looking for the emotion underneath the story.
One simple guideline I often give clients is this:
Emotions are usually one word.
Thoughts usually require many.
Here are a few examples:
“That sounds lonely.”
“That must have been discouraging.”
“I wonder if that made you feel hurt.”
Don’t try to interpret or correct.
Simply check whether you’ve recognized the emotion your partner has been carrying.
Step 4 — Wait
This next step may be the hardest.
Wait.
Resist the urge to take your turn.
Resist the urge to contribute more content.
Stay in the listener’s chair just a little longer.
If it seems like there’s more your partner needs to say, gently invite them to continue.
Communication isn’t a race.
It’s a process.
You’ll have your opportunity to speak.
And here’s the encouraging part:
The better someone feels listened to, the more willing they usually become to listen in return.
So don’t rush into your own thoughts.
Don’t steal the floor.
Why the Structure Matters
That’s the whole tool:
Summarize. Validate. Empathize. Wait.
Yes, it’s structured.
And yes, it’s supposed to be.
We’re talking about a communication exercise grounded in decades of research within the Gottman Method.
Here’s why I think the structure matters.
First, structure reduces anxiety.
Clear guardrails help conversations feel safer, especially when discussing difficult topics.
Second, structure gives the listener a job.
Remember what we talked about in the previous article: our brains need something meaningful to do while we’re listening. If we don’t intentionally occupy our attention, we’ll naturally drift back toward our old communication habits.
Third, structure helps us delay problem-solving.
For many of us, solving problems feels like love.
The structure helps us lovingly put that instinct on pause until understanding has had a chance to develop.
Finally, structure slows conversations down enough for understanding to emerge.
Before we solve anything…
Before we compromise…
Before we decide who’s right…
We first need to understand one another.
Without understanding, even good solutions can miss the mark.
Eventually, you won’t need to think through each step.
You’ll simply know how to listen this way.
The structure isn’t the destination.
It’s the training ground.
What Changes When You Practise
As you begin practising this skill, pay attention to what changes.
Interestingly, couples rarely tell me they notice something new appearing.
More often, they notice something disappearing.
Less volume.
Less defensiveness.
Less rushing.
Less interrupting.
Less body language that says, “I need to get away from this conversation.”
You may also notice your partner becoming more receptive to you.
When you consistently give someone the experience of being listened to, they often begin responding differently.
Not because you taught them how to communicate.
Because you modelled what emotional safety feels like.
The old saying is often true:
We learn what we live, not what we’re told.
Helping Doesn’t Always Mean Solving
Please remember this.
Helping doesn’t always mean solving.
If you aren’t fixing something, it doesn’t mean you’re failing.
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give another person isn’t removing the burden.
It’s carrying it with them.
Listening is one of the deepest acts of connection we can offer.
And connection is often where healing begins.
Closing
Listening isn’t passive.
It’s a skill.
Like any new skill, it’s going to take practice.
It’s going to feel awkward before it feels natural.
Stay the course.
The awkwardness is temporary.
The connection is worth it.
Ready to Connect?
If you and your partner find yourselves getting stuck in the same conversations, couples therapy can help you build these skills together. I’d be happy to walk alongside you as you learn practical tools that create calmer conversations and deeper connection.
If you’re looking for online couples therapy anywhere in Ontario, I’d be honoured to help. You can book a free consultation through my client portal, or you can text or email me to learn more about my approach and whether we’re a good fit to work together.
About the Author
Rick Grundy, RP, MDiv is a Registered Psychotherapist providing secure, online couples therapy and individual psychotherapy across Ontario. He holds a Master of Divinity in Clinical Counselling with Family Systems training from Tyndale University.
Rick is Gottman Method Level 2 trained and has completed Level 2 Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) training through the Beck Institute. He integrates these evidence-based approaches to help couples rebuild connection, strengthen communication, and restore emotional safety.
Rick writes practical articles to help couples and individuals apply evidence-based strategies between therapy sessions.