Gottman Aftermath of a Fight: How Couples Can Repair After Conflict

What Is the Gottman Aftermath of a Fight?

Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight is a tool that gives couples a structured way of talking about an argument so they can make sense of what went wrong with the communication.

 

As an illustration, imagine leaving the argument on the ground floor, walking up a set of stairs to a balcony on the second floor, and looking down at the argument from above. From the balcony, you can assess what went wrong, what each person experienced, and what each person was trying to accomplish.

 

It’s an examination of the argument that helps couples gain perspective, make some changes, and make choices that can help change the pattern and move toward resolution and peace.

 

The Gottman exercise uses five steps. Couples take turns going through the process one at a time, sharing their insights and experiences of the moments that led to the regrettable incident.

 

When Should Couples Use the Aftermath of a Fight?

The timing of this tool matters.

 

This usually isn’t a tool I recommend using immediately following an argument. In those first moments, couples may need skills that help them calm their bodies and minds before returning to the conversation. That may include grounding exercises, deep breathing, distraction, or taking a break.

 

I like the three-part process Name It, Tame It, Return, which you can read more about here.

 

I usually teach Aftermath of a Fight after clients have learned some basic Gottman conflict-management skills, such as Gentle Startups, Gentle Listening, and making Repair Attempts. Those three skills are often learned during the first few sessions of couples therapy. They give couples a way to talk about difficult things without the conversation quickly turning into another argument or creating more hurt.

 

If talking about the argument leads back into the argument, it’s probably not the right time for this tool.

 

How I Use the Aftermath of a Fight With Couples

Once clients have made some progress calming the way they talk to each other, they often begin drawing attention to a past argument or incident that still needs to be resolved.

 

When that happens, I lead couples through these five steps.

 

1. Name the Feelings

The first part of the exercise is to name the emotions that were felt during the past incident. The handout includes a list of emotion words couples can use to identify and share their experience.

 

Someone may indicate, “I felt hurt, scared, lonely, overwhelmed, and unimportant.” The list of emotion words tends to help couples communicate more freely.

 

As I guide couples through this part and hear them naming their feelings, I see them creating a context where it’s safer for each partner to be vulnerable. From my perspective, the style of conversation significantly changes. The topics couples are discussing can create pain, but when they start with vulnerability, I see them talking about painful things in ways that don’t create more pain.

 

Knowing the Gentle Startup tool and already having some experience setting up conversations to be calmer and emotionally safer helps couples lean into this part of the process. Starting with emotions rather than thoughts tends to generate empathy and understanding in the other person while helping the conversation stay away from criticism.

 

2. Report the Experience

The emotions couples share with each other have a context in real life. Each person experienced something different. The second part of the exercise gives each person an opportunity to report the experience they actually lived through during the incident.

 

This builds on the Gentle Startup skill, using the same style of self-disclosure and “I” statements.

 

Each person shares the incident from their perspective. They may describe what they heard, how it affected them, how their body tensed up, how their brain panicked, and anything else that was relevant to their experience.

 

It’s important to understand that they’re not reporting objective truth. They’re reporting their subjective experience.

 

They may say things like, “When I heard your voice rising, my body started tensing and I just wanted to get out of the room,” or “When I heard you describing me to your friend, I interrupted because I instantly wanted to explain and correct.”

 

Knowing the Gentle Listening skill is very helpful here. While one person shares their experience, the other person can listen, summarize what they heard, validate their partner’s perspective, and empathize with their experience.

 

3. Name the Triggers

Where the first two parts focus primarily on the external experience of the incident, this third part transitions the couple toward looking at their inner experiences.

 

Once someone knows it’s safe to share from their point of view, they may feel safer looking within, knowing that doing so won’t immediately be met with another argument.

 

Everyone is sensitive to something. Arguments sometimes activate memories or survival strategies that come out during the conversation. I find it helpful for both people to understand that the argument didn’t just happen between them. Part of the argument also happened inside each of them, involving experiences the other person may never have heard or seen.

 

When clients are asked to name their triggers, I hear things like, “When you said that, it reminded me of when I was a teen,” or “The way you looked at me reminds me of how someone else used to look at me.”

 

Arguments can involve both the interaction happening between the couple and the individual’s internal past experiences. I find that when couples understand each other’s triggers, they begin to know where to tread a little more lightly, with understanding and some grace to allow their partner room for personal growth.

 

Naming individual triggers tends to lead naturally into the next part.

 

4. Take Responsibility

I find it essential for couples to take responsibility because of how much calm it can bring to a relationship.

 

When a partner acknowledges or declares responsibility for some part of the pain that was caused, I often see the other person begin to calm. Knowing that someone is holding themselves accountable can increase hope that the future won’t hold a repetition of the same painful experience, and that the relationship can grow into something more peaceful and caring.

 

Generally, people don’t take responsibility for the entire incident. They take responsibility for the part they can see they contributed.

 

They may say things like, “I recognize that I raise my voice when I start feeling frustrated,” or “It’s true that I tend to walk away when we try to talk about big issues.”

 

When each partner takes responsibility for the part of the incident that belongs to them, I watch couples continue to become more relaxed with each other. I see couples hold each other’s gaze while hope grows. I hear tones get softer, words come more slowly, and I notice listening skills improve.

 

Taking responsibility can lower the emotional load and create a greater sense of safety.

 

5. Make a Plan

The fifth part makes space for problem-solving, compromise, and finding resolution.

 

Once couples have taken the time to understand each other’s experiences and perspectives, it usually becomes easier to come up with ideas about how they might avoid a similar argument in the future.

 

Sometimes I hear things like, “Now that I know what speaking loudly does to you, I’m going to work harder to notice my volume and keep it lower,” or “Now that I know talking to you about a big issue as soon as you come home makes you want to run away, I’m going to wait until you’ve had a moment to settle and maybe eat before talking to you about anything big.”

 

By the fifth part, much of the heavy lifting of calming big emotions and thoughts has already been done. This part tends to move more quickly and often ends with a feeling of hope and accomplishment.

 

The couple now has an idea of what they can do differently the next time.

 

Aftermath of a Fight as Relationship Maintenance

One thing I really like about this tool is that it can be used for more than rescue and recovery. It can also become a regular weekly maintenance conversation.

 

In Gottman’s Small Things Often resource, couples are encouraged to set aside about 30 minutes each week for Aftermath of a Fight. Regularly making room for these conversations can help prevent smaller incidents from becoming those old problems that keep coming back and leading to arguments.

 

Every couple has communication struggles. Arguing is part of life. Couples can argue well, or they can argue in ways that hurt each other. Using Aftermath regularly gives couples an opportunity to clear some of that potential backlog before it begins affecting the relationship.

 

There can also be something reassuring about knowing you already have a process for dealing with difficult conversations. Couples don’t have to be afraid that every disagreement will become another unresolved problem. They know they can calm down, come back to it, and have a structured conversation about what happened.

 

There’s hope in being able to say: “We know how we’re going to deal with this.”

 

Learning to Use the Aftermath of a Fight

Gottman’s Aftermath of a Fight looks straightforward on paper. However, there are micro-skills that help make it work well.

 

Investing in conflict-management strategies such as Gentle Startups, Gentle Listening, knowing how to make Repair Attempts, recognizing escalation, and understanding the value of taking responsibility can make this tool much easier to use.

 

Some couples are able to practise the tool themselves using the PDF. Others need some help because talking about an argument quickly leads them back into the argument.

 

Couples therapy can help partners build the underlying skills and learn to use Aftermath of a Fight until it can eventually become a normal part of their communication pattern.